im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
