walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
