mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
