I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
