You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
