I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
