he shaved USA in his pubs
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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