The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
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So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
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a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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