Plan B is the new Plan A
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
