come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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