I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
