found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
