My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
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at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
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You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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