I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
