I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize