Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
