I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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