my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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