Swine flu. Run for my life!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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