saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize