nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
im six kinds of drunk right now
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
