It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
