He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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