Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
