Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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