so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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