I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
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I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
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However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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