i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
