she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
