I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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