sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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