he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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