I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
