What a fucking waste of an outfit
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
