The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
