This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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