that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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