My sheets look like a crime scene.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
