How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Farmville is her only friend.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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