i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
