My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
