Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
