This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
