I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
