Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
