i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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