Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Randomize
