I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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