im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
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He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
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So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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