I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
