O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
