i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
we're making bets on your personal life
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
