I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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