Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
