...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
