he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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