We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She needs sedatives and a leash
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
