Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
