Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
