I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
